Sleeping out in the rain

Dearest S,

I was just looking through some old emails and texts that you sent me and I came across one that stopped me in my tracks. One sentence that you wrote in particular just made me completely freeze and stare at it. I think I’ve been staring at my screen for almost an hour now just captivated by it, just thinking about it. And it is prompting me to write this post.

The email was from January. In it, you were talking about how you googled my name and came across some old press releases of the singer I used to work with and me, and the show we did. It was, at the time, one of our biggest obstacles, because she was someone with whom I was once involved, albeit briefly, but because we had that history, it was a source of friction between you and me, even though I only considered her a friend and a colleague.

But the sentence you wrote in that email that captivated me was, “life is not a fairy tale, and nobody sleeps out in the rain for anybody anymore”. It was a reference to a lyric in the classic R&B song “When A Man Loves A Woman”, by Percy Sledge. I played and sang that song for you a month earlier when your parents came to my show with you and you danced with your father to it. I can still see that moment so clearly in my mind.

“Life is not a fairy tale and nobody sleeps out in the rain for anybody anymore”. Here’s why those words both haunt me and move me so much: For some time now, I’ve been fighting for this; for us. I’ve told you my feelings, I’m documenting my feelings in this blog, and I’m giving you the space to explore what you need to explore, but I am still here telling you how much I love you, how much I want us to have a chance to try this, to make this work. It occurs to me, I’m doing exactly that. I’m sleeping out in the rain for you. Your “door”, is sort of closed right now. And as I’ve noted, I am not stopping my life or anything. But S, I don’t see this feeling changing; it’s real. It didn’t just come from nowhere, and it didn’t develop hastily or impulsively. It developed over a period of time of getting to really know you and listening to you with my heart. I guess my heart is telling me it wants to keep listening to you above anyone else, and when I check in with my mind, I get the same response. Perhaps that is why although your door is currently closed, I am just outside of it, sleeping in the rain.

The day after you sent that email, you sent another one apologizing for how intense the email was…but S, I should have been the one apologizing to you! It was selfish of me to expect you to be OK with me working with an ex-girlfriend the way I was, and I don’t know why I didn’t just see that from the start. The truth is after the Christmas show, I put a stop to those shows, and you know that I have not worked with her since then. But ALL THAT SHOULD HAVE MATTERED to me was that it made you uncomfortable. There really shouldn’t have been anything more to it. I had a conversation around that time with a very close friend from my childhood. He asked me, “what do you get out of that partnership”? I honestly couldn’t answer him. It became clear that it was a very unbalanced, one-sided relationship, which she was “holding onto” for some reason. When I brought this up to her in January, her reaction was selfish, and all about her- not one concern for what I was saying about it holding ME back, and getting in my way. That was even further proof that the working relationship was unhealthy and unbalanced, and that it was time to just move on and away from it. It seems so clear and obvious now, and I can’t explain why it wasn’t sooner.

You once told me that the day you discovered she was an ex and still such a part of my life because we were performing that show together, that you were devastated, you were hurt, and you cried for days. I am so sorry I put you through that, baby. Even at that time, you had said you were not sure you were ready to be in a full on relationship, so although we spent time together, it was not really “official”. But that is no excuse for my having made you feel that way, and you made it more than clear this issue was holding you back from opening yourself to me. When I look back at that, I feel so foolish about the whole thing. Hindsight is 20/20, isn’t it? I really did not realize what I should have realized.

All I can say is, although I might be a slow learner, I do listen, I do admit my mistakes and I do learn from them. I listened completely to everything you had to say about it, I processed it, I considered it, and within a short period of time, I made changes and eliminated her from my life completely, both professionally and personally. There was no grand drama; I wouldn’t say we’re enemies, but after that Christmas show, I cancelled the shows and ended the professional relationship, and shortly thereafter, the personal relationship ceased to exist as well. And it really was no loss- she was the one benefiting from the shows, not me. You were 100% right and I was 100% wrong, and I’m glad you stood your ground about it. The way things were, there was not a proper space in my life for a significant other, and I did not see that at the time. This past year has taught me so many important things, I feel like I’ve learned so much.

Although this obstacle has been eliminated, I fully realize there are other obstacles, hurdles, and issues that stand between this moment and a time when you and I could possibly try to make a relationship work together. But I took a closer look at the lyrics to that old Percy Sledge song, “When A Man Loves A Woman”. Those words aren’t lost in the past, S. They make perfect sense to me. Some people might think it’s old thinking, but I don’t. I think it’s the way things should be. And so do you. That’s why you wrote that sentence in that email. You do believe in that and you want it as much as I do.

This man loves you, S. And I hope there will be a place and a time for us to at least really try this together properly. One thing I’ve certainly learned is, I’ll never let anyone or anything come between us again. And until then, I’ll be sleeping out in the rain.

With love,

A.

Wishing on our stars

Dearest S,

Today I realized it was around this time last year that I first met you, when you first came up to my piano and said hello to me. That was the first time I ever laid eyes on you, and I remember it as vividly as I remember what the sky looks like. You had this amazing smile, this incredible sparkle in your eyes. And you requested that I play a song, but then you just stood there, looking at me. And there were these few brief moments of silence where we just looked into each others’ eyes. Do you remember that? It was magical. It was like time actually slowed down for that moment. And it must have, because I have never been the same since that moment.

How can I just give up on this dream of you and me? The simple (and difficult) answer is I can’t. While there’s nothing I can do at this moment, and I have to give you the space to explore other things, meet other people, etc., I cannot find it in me to resign myself to this being the end for us. We barely had a beginning. I’ve learned a lot in the past year, and maybe you have too. I’ve definitely grown, and changed a lot of my priorities. Obstacles that existed previously are gone, and I’ve completely let go of my past, and I honestly have no desire to ever look back at it. Those obstacles, and perhaps the same thing that is holding you back now, kept us from ever really “doing this” fully and completely. To this day, you acknowledge feelings for me, and you have even said you sometimes think about a future with me. Yet it is amidst confusion about what you really want, and a desire to meet other people and explore further. So all I can do is let you find your way, and hope that the stars align for us and that you find your way HOME, to me.

What I can’t seem to do is burn this “house” down and walk away from it. I guess I will need to find a way to open the windows and doors, and open myself, and my mind, to other possibilities. But I’m also going to climb up on the roof from time to time and call out to you to remind you that I want you to come home; that I want us to at least try and make this work, in a real, committed effort. Of course I can’t guarantee it will work, nor can I predict the future. But I can say I believe we will both be sorry some day if we don’t really try. Obviously, this can’t happen right now, while you have this curiosity about other people. But after you’ve experienced some more things, I truly hope you come to a point that you can stop running from and avoiding the feelings you have for me, and that you can face the fear you’ve mentioned of getting too close to someone and then losing them. We deserve that chance, and I can’t give up on it. I guess that’s the best kind of “letting go” I can muster at the moment.

Tonight I went to see a show in Hollywood with a friend of mine, who is going through a difficult break up with his long time girlfriend. We were curious about the show because there has been a lot of hype around it, and since it is in a well known hotel in the middle of the city, I was interested in how the show is put together. While the show itself was somewhat lackluster in our opinion, what was more striking was the reminder of how vapid so many people are in this town, particularly the “typical Hollywood crowd”. It was, as I expected it would be, the usual “see and be seen” kind of Hollywood crowd. Various ages, all in dresses one size too tight, wearing far too much make up and perfume, and more preoccupied with their own reflections in mirrors and windows than the actual show they were supposedly there to see. Actually, I didn’t get the sense anyone was really listening to the music at all. The only thing that temporarily focused their attention was when Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez came in just before the show started with a small entourage and were briskly escorted to a sofa in the front, surrounded by security.

I couldn’t help but look at everyone there, particularly the women, and think to myself several daunting thoughts. The first thought was, how can I possibly move on with my life in this town? All of these women pale in comparison to you on every level, or at least inasmuch as my propensity to be attracted to any of them. The second thought was you don’t belong here. Don’t get me wrong, I want you here. I hope you move up here, so we can be closer to each other. There’s more here for you artistically and creatively than there is down where you live, so in that sense, I think it would be better for you than where you are right now. But I just couldn’t escape the notion that this is no place for you long term. I’m beginning to feel like it isn’t for me either. This is a sad town. It’s a town of broken hopes and dreams, and people as fake as the figures in the famous wax museum nearby. It’s a town of self involved, self important, self-centered people chasing fame, popularity and fortune. All that said, truth be told, this town has been very good to me. I’ve made more money here in the entertainment business than anywhere else I’ve ever lived. And as I’ve told you, there are some great places and things about this town, you just have to really seek them out. But in the long term, this is no permanent place for an old soul like you or me. I’m not fixed on a particular place to be in, and as I’ve said many times, any place you are could be home for me.

Sometimes I think you wonder about me in terms of the entertainment business and the whole Hollywood dream thing I’m writing about here. I think you wonder to yourself whether you’d ultimately be happy in a relationship with a man who works with, around, and amongst celebrities. You did ask me two weeks ago about whether I exchanged numbers and information with F’s sister, as she is related to a major celebrity, and someone of some prominence who might be helpful to me, and my career. There was a slight tone of jealous curiosity in your voice, and yet I know you, and I know that when we hung up the phone, you also thought to yourself, “would I be comfortable in a relationship with someone who is meeting people like that all the time”?

If only you could see into my heart. If only you knew that every moment I was speaking with that woman, all I could think to myself was, “She’s not S. She’s so different from S.”  I can’t prove this to you with some sort of evidence before the fact, but if I am a lucky enough man that my wish comes true, that the stars align for us, and you decide to try this with me some day, mark my words, no human being will be capable of distracting me from you, and I will never let anyone get between us. I’ve learned too much this past year, about obstacles I allowed to exist that I shouldn’t have, and about who you really are, behind the beautiful smile, face and eyes that greeted me that day a year ago at my piano and changed everything. Somewhere along that way, I fell in love. Completely.

Everything changed. I can’t go back to how it was before that. It’s impossible.

With love,

A.

Letting go…

Dearest S,

My sweet love, it seems our story has once again taken a turn. As much as I wish I could write our story, just as I write these words, the reality is I have no such control. The words I write here can only reflect and document my feelings and thoughts.

In my recent letter, Action vs. Words, I indicated that I wanted to talk more with you about my feelings, and how I believe you are doing everything you can do avoid your own feelings for me, which you continue to acknowledge that you do have. It was my opinion that you are sort of “fighting the universe”, because you have indicated you are so frightened of losing people close to you, and although you are so scared to completely open yourself and become vulnerable, it seemed to me the universe has begun to remove many of the obstacles that were in our way before (people from my past, and the distance factor since you may be moving closer to where I live). So I just felt like I was watching you alternate between expressing this affection for me, both in your words and your actions, and then fighting it, burying it, and running away from it.

But now, I am starting to think it is actually me that is fighting the universe. Again, we were supposed to meet up this week, and I indicated I’d like to share some things with you. You said you felt very pressured by it all, that you feel everything has been said that needs to be said, that you do have feelings for me, but that you still feel you need to meet and date other people. When we spoke on the phone, you agreed to meet up this week and talk, but an hour after our conversation, you once again cancelled.

It is becoming clear that as much as I want to fight for this, for you, for us, there really is nothing I can do at this moment other than let go, and hope that you find your way to me. That is so frightening to me for some reason, but it is the only available path now, so I must walk through it. It is time for me to just let go, and hope that the stars align for us somehow, some day.

It cannot be ignored that I have experienced a few more relationships than you have, and the mere fact that you have the desire to meet, date, and get to know some other people is proof that now is just the wrong time for us. It would do me (and us) no good to try and make a real go of this together when you feel that way.

I would like to believe that this connection we have, this energy that pulsates when we are together, this feeling that even you say you still feel, is strong enough and real enough to defy a particular “shape” or definition. That it will survive the test of time and other experiences. If I’m right, hopefully you will come to a point where you want to try this with me for real- something we have not really explored. We’ve dabbled in it, we’ve scratched the surface, we’ve touched on it, we’ve played with it, but we have not yet fully jumped in and committed to it together, and tried to make a relationship work together. Obviously, you do need to do some more searching and exploring, as that is what your heart is telling you. As someone who loves you with all of my heart, my only response to that can be to let go and give you the space to do that.

And I guess I must also remain open to other possibilities myself. Ugh, I hated writing that last sentence! You need only read my very first letter in this blog, From A To S, with love, to understand why. But as much as the romantic “old soul” in me wants to carry this torch for you, that’s just not realistic, is it? And it isn’t what you’d want for me either. I must live my life. Besides, if I’m right about what I think this is, this thing you and I feel, the “stars” will align for us when the time is right……OK, as a realist, I’m not sure I completely believe that last sentence either. 🙂

Maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle. Maybe the answer is letting go, but still trying to remain connected and in each others’ lives to some degree, and at least available to each other to talk, to share, to support, etc. Maybe that’s why you do still want me in your life. Maybe that’s why I still want you in mine. Maybe the letting go can make us even stronger. Maybe we are doing this thing right after all…Here’s hoping.

Here’s to letting go.

I love you, S.

A.

I miss your cloudy, overcast, colorful skies…

Dearest S,

Impending conversations not withstanding, I miss your overcast, cloudy, foggy, gray skies. I believe you like that kind of weather because it is a reflection of what is inside you, but I love all of your colors, even the darker ones. I love everything that makes you who you are, and everything that makes you different from anyone else. It is that specific collection of light and dark colors, that specific arrangement of good, bad, ugly, and beautiful that I have fallen in love with, not impulsively, but slowly, carefully and thoughtfully. And that’s why I want to explore you and me before I explore anything else.

I’m having a bit of a hard time today. My sky, and my world, is far more empty without your colors in it. Sleep is a series of frustrating naps. This bed has never been as comfortable as it was that morning you were lying here in my arms. You’ve mentioned several times how comfortable my bed is. But believe me, that isn’t the bed. That was our energy intertwining through the universe. That’s what felt so safe, so warm, so comfortable.

I love listening to you, even when you get into your slightly neurotic, panicked, over-thinking mode. Sometimes you ask me if I get tired of listening, but my darling, I never do. I could listen to your beautiful voice speak any words forever and past forever, and I’d never tire of it, especially because you frequently say it makes you feel better to talk about it and get it out. And that’s how I know how much I really love you, because this has never happened before. I’ve never wanted to open myself like this to someone.

I don’t know how to turn this off. I don’t want to turn this off. I won’t turn this off. I love you.

With love,

A.

Action vs. Words

Dearest S,

When I started writing this blog, which I intended to be love letters to you that you will someday in the future read, sort of like in the movie “The Notebook”, I had hoped that in some way I could just journal my feelings, and express some of what I can’t tell you right now. I feel like if I share it all with you now, it will make you feel pressured or rushed, particularly in light of the fact that you are still finding your way with many things. In some sense, I guess I also hope that when you look back on this someday (IF I ever even tell you it’s here) that this will serve as some kind of proof to you that my feelings are genuine, heartfelt, as deep as I say they are, and that I am thinking about you a lot. Of course, this “plan” of mine begs a few questions. When will it be the right time to tell you about this blog? Will you be surprised or even upset that I didn’t make it private? (I don’t really know why I didn’t, I guess I just felt like “giving it to the universe” so to speak. It is at least anonymous, but there are people following it, reading it, commenting on it, etc.) And for that matter, if I wait a good while to tell you this blog even exists, where do I draw the line between what I write here and what I actually tell you in the moment? It doesn’t make any sense for me to be talking to you in real life, and then reserve something I want to say to you for this blog. So another thing this blog cannot become is a replacement for interacting with you in the real world, and sharing my feelings with you. Which brings me to today.

This morning I texted you to wish you luck at work and to tell you that I think it’s a good thing you are thinking of going to see your family next week, since you’ve been feeling homesick. You texted back that you feel really overwhelmed by all the changes in your life right now, including financial and work difficulties, and where to live. I told you to think of this like the uphill climb of a hike- it’s difficult, but it is taking you somewhere with an awesome view, and on a path that will lead you home. You said you liked that analogy. Minutes later you emailed me some prospective apartments you are looking at up here and I sent you some feedback. You called me a few moments later and we spoke for a while about apartments and how you’re feeling…and then…

…you spilled some beans. And you said to me that you don’t really know if you’re going to visit your family next week, and that you are sorry you keep “flaking” on me, but it is partially because you are worried about getting together and what will happen, and how we will be with each other since there is all of this unspoken and underlying stuff there. It was almost as if you were confessing to me that you feel bad about cancelling our plans over and over again, and that you feel bad that you’ve been making excuses. We got onto the topic of how you don’t feel like you could move in with me because we are not in a relationship, and I agreed that it is a bad idea. I told you that I realize that would further complicate things and maybe even make it harder for things to ever work out in the future, which of course, I don’t want. The only reason I thought of it is that if you run out of all options and end up with no choice but to move all the way back north where you parents live, and then you’re hundreds of miles away, that’s not going to help things between us either! But certainly it is the least desirable solution to things. Then you mentioned how you still want to meet people, and how you are worried about my heart, in light of that fact. But shortly after, you talked about how you know I’m thinking about us being together, and that YOU think about that too.

I took the opportunity to say to you that I feel like you are “avoiding us”, and “running away” from your feelings. We didn’t have time to talk at length as I had to get ready for work and you were on the road, but more and more I am thinking we need to talk about this. I don’t want to push you or rush you, but there are so many unspoken feelings and things now, and the messages are very mixed. You have feelings, you express them sometimes, and sometimes you shut down. You’ve expressed being terrified of “losing someone close to you”, indicating that you don’t feel like you can have that happen in your life anymore. And I see you reacting in fear. I’ve got to talk to you in the “real world” about this. And I’m going to. I told you at the end of today’s conversation, “please stop avoiding and running away from the concept of us”. And I told you that if you don’t go up to visit your family next week, that I really want to see you.

I think it’s time, regardless of these letters I’m writing to you here, to tell you everything I’m feeling, and for us to actually deal with all of the unspoken, underlying feelings that are there. I know you said you don’t think you can handle losing anyone close to you anymore, but you can’t live your life in fear of that. You’re avoiding, you’re covering your eyes, covering your ears, and operating in this completely protective mode- almost like a computer started up in “safe mode”. I have to communicate this to you in the real world. If I let this go unsaid, by the time I’m ready to have you read all of these letters, it may be too late. Every now and then you let your guard down, and you are affectionate, you talk about things that could mean a future, we interact intimately, you even acknowledge feelings for me, but ultimately, you go into “avoidance” mode. And I think part of it is you think you are protecting yourself. But what you do not see is that you’re closing yourself off to so many possible good things in the process.

More than anything, I want these letters I’m writing to you to remain positive, and never be “complaints”. I think that is why it is important for me to continue to functionally communicate with you in the “real world”, even as I continue this blog. So I’m going to be very deliberate about doing that in the next week. Yesterday, after we spoke for over an hour about what you’re going through and how worried you are about things, you thanked me for always listening to you so well, and you said to me that you want to return the favor, and asked me if there was something you could listen to me about. I didn’t think quickly enough at the time to properly answer. But I’ve thought about it now, and I’ve decided that there is in fact something you can do to return the favor. I will tell you in the next few days that I need you to listen to me for a bit, and I need you to do it in person. I’m going to talk to you about what I’m writing in this letter, and how I believe you are running away and avoiding this, and that it isn’t working, because every time you come up for air, it’s going to still be here, not having been dealt with. It’s not going away, and it’s not going to get better until we face it together.

We will. I have to see to it that we do. As easy going and open minded and understanding as I am trying to be, as much as I want to be the guy that gives you the space and time you need to figure things out on your own, I have to more assertively insist that you face this together with me, and at least make you think about all of this. I wouldn’t be doing any of this if I didn’t think you and “we” are worth all of the effort. I must strike another kind of balance here, between giving you the space you need, and not letting you cover your eyes and ears to avoid, shut out, and run away from feelings that you yourself have, despite how frightened you are of “losing people”.

With love, admiration, and respect,

A.

Homesick for you…

Dearest S,

Let me start this letter with what I’m feeling. I miss you. We spoke on the phone today, we had a lovely conversation for a good while, and I listened while you expressed your stress about changing jobs, moving, and the overall uncertainty of your future which is a bit overwhelming for you right now. But you said you felt a lot better having talked about it, so I’m glad I was able to listen. It does seem you will probably be moving up near me very soon, and I’m excited about that. 60 miles isn’t a huge distance but it has been an obstacle for us. We made tentative plans to scope out some potential living locations for you next Tuesday, but this evening you texted indicating that you may not be able to meet next week after all, as you’ve decided you want to visit your sister and her family up north, because you feel homesick. I’m disappointed I won’t see you next week, but happy that you will be able to spend some time with your family. Like me, you are pretty close with your family, so I understand you wanting to be near them and feeling like you miss them. I think it will actually do you some good to see your family and maybe even to get completely out of town for a little bit. Hopefully when you are back, we’ll be able to get together soon. And once you live close by, I imagine it will be simpler to meet up. I’m really looking forward to that.

Last night, I did something nice for myself. I went out to an open mic here in town that I haven’t been to in about two years. It’s a wonderful little venue, with talent that ranges from beginners to very seasoned performers. I texted you a picture from there, and you texted back that you wished you were there, and that it makes you want to move up here, since there’s nothing like that down where you live. It’s a really nice atmosphere of old souls, like you. So I can’t wait to take you there. It is also the perfect place for us to rehearse the duet we’re going to sing once you’re ready for that.

I was looking through some emails you sent me from a few months ago, and I came across one in which you had said that you can’t handle losing people close to you anymore. This is something you’ve said a few times, and it has gotten me to thinking about fear. Certainly I understand that feeling. But I think this can be problematic when it gets to the point that you don’t allow anyone to get too close for fear of the pain that may occur if you lose them. Nothing really worth while can be gained without the risk that it can be lost. You need one extreme to have the other. “Zen” enthusiasts can talk all they want about “detachment”, but I don’t believe that’s how our hearts work. And I do feel like you are, in many ways, running away from me, from us, from what we can be, because you are afraid of what will happen if it doesn’t work. I guess I can appreciate that at this confusing and difficult time of transition, during which you are changing jobs, re-evaluating your career goals, and figuring out your destiny, that you feel like those things are overwhelming enough by themselves without adding the drama of a relationship. Maybe for the time being there’s some wisdom in that until things settle a bit, but in the long run, I do believe you will have to let go of that fear, and “face us”. Because I see you deliberately covering your eyes and ears to this, and yet in other moments revealing that there are feelings there. I don’t know how to definitively prove to you that I will not hurt you, and that I truly love you from the deepest part of me I can access. I’ve explained that this is something I’ve come to carefully, cautiously and thoughtfully, not impulsively. At some point, you’re going to need to face this thing with me, instead of running from it. I guess it’s something you will have to come to yourself, but I think soon it is going to be time for me to talk about this with you a little bit, and at least share with you where I’m at, and discuss this “fear of losing” thing with you. It’s not like you’re reading along in this crazy blog of mine as it goes, and I have to remind myself of that as I put these thoughts down. I’m going to show you this much further down the line. But I must not let the words I put down here replace actions. Perhaps this will begin to work itself out a bit more when we live closer together than we do now.

My God, I love you so very much, S. I miss your beautiful face, your smile, and the feeling I get when you are near me. You are home, my darling. And I am homesick for you. I want to be wherever you are. In time, wherever that takes me is fine, as long as you are there.

With love,

A.

The pendulum today

Dearest S,

Today the pendulum has swung in the other direction again. Two blog posts previous to this, in The sweetest music to my ears…. I wrote about what a beautiful conversation we had, how affectionate you seemed on the phone, how you joked about when we sing the duet that we’re supposed to work on together, maybe you could get hired to just sit next to me and kiss me while I perform. You seemed so excited to hear that I thought your idea about adopting a child later in life was a beautiful thing, and even said to me, “so you mean you wouldn’t mind doing that?”, almost as if we were beginning to plan a life together. And you sounded like you were really looking forward to taking a hike with me this coming week.

We spoke briefly yesterday and you still seemed in good spirits, but today I texted you about our hiking plans tomorrow and you told me you can’t make it because you are not feeling like yourself right now. I asked if you are sick and you said you are depressed and tired, and that “nothing feels right today”. Obviously, I can’t really know if you will ever read these letters I am writing to you, and of course as of this moment, you don’t even know these letters exist. Some day, (I think) I will tell you about them, and I hope, with everything I have in me that can hope, that it is because we have decided to try to be in this relationship together. (As an aside, I also hope that when we are together again, you don’t read these letters, freak out and run away! But there’s my odd sense of humor again).

In any case, I want to be very careful not to make any of these letters a sorrowful, sad list of my fears, worries, frustrations or complaints. Of course I’m disappointed right now, because I was looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. Of course I’m frustrated. Of course I want to reach out to you, especially knowing that you are feeling down and depressed. But unfortunately, I’m not in a position to do that right now, because you have said you are still figuring out what you want, and that all you want from me right now is a friendship. In contrast, you’ve also acknowledged that you have feelings for me beyond friendship, you have said sometimes you do want me to hold you, and in the phone conversation earlier this week you were quite affectionate. This bundle of contradictions means I’m caught in a pretty delicate balancing act right now. So despite everything I mentioned in my previous post about the Colorado shooting tragedy, and how that all makes me want to just be near you and tell you everything I feel, I need to balance that with giving you the space you need to find your way (I hope to me). My instincts tell me I should reach out anyway, so I’m sort of splitting the difference, and just letting you know that I am here, and to let me know if there’s anything I can do. I texted you this, and also mentioned that I would be happy to drive down to you some time this week so we can work on the duet together. I also texted, “no pressure, see how you feel tomorrow”.

I can’t really think of what else to do. Of course, part of me wants to just drive there right now, stand on the ground floor in front of your second floor apartment and start serenading you. 🙂 I wouldn’t care what the neighbors think. But you seem to need space. You seem to need time. And you’re supposed to go out with your girlfriends tonight to the movies, which I hope you are still going to do. I’m actually having dinner with some friends tonight as well.

I also don’t want these letters to become about mundane, pedestrian topics, so I’d rather skip a day or two than write just for the sake of writing every day. I’m certain meaningful and relevant emotions will occur to me quite often,  and there will be plenty to write. But rather than focus on the little individual ups and downs and momentary changes that are going to be a natural part of this thing we are each going through in our own way, I’d rather focus on the really important things.

One thing remains constant. There are many directions I can take. Many people and things I can explore, many choices I can seek out. I choose you. Without hesitation, without question, without doubt, I choose you. But that’s only half of the equation. You have to choose me too. You have to choose to see this as something that we should at least explore. If you truly believe in exploring all options, then “we” and “us” is something that should not be left unexplored, and we have, thus far, left “us” unexplored, in that we haven’t really tried this “for real” yet. I firmly believe that we should, but I need you to choose it as an option to explore, as part of all of the things you are exploring. I really hope you do.

With love,

A.

Any day can be the last…

Dearest S,

As I returned home from work last night, I became aware of the recent news of the horrific mass shooting at the movie theater in Colorado. It’s hard to imagine how someone could be so evil as to plot the deliberate and systematic slaughter of so many fellow human beings, and I can’t even fathom what those people and their families are going through. This morning, as I was reading more about it, I read one paragraph which described a man who grabbed his wife’s hand and attempted to escape with her. At one point during the chaos, he lost hold of her hand, but quickly grabbed hold of her shirt and pulled her by her shirt. They were able to escape alive. Another young woman was not so fortunate. Apparently she was almost the victim of a mass shooting only two months earlier in Toronto but she missed it by minutes. Last night, she was not so lucky, and she was killed by this gunman, shortly after tweeting excitedly to a friend that the movie was about to start.

I don’t think anyone can really ever figure out why someone would do something like this. So all we’re left with is that it happens. It makes no sense at all, but it happens. It isn’t a natural phenomenon that comes from nature or the earth, but it happens as regularly as hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and such, even though it makes so much less sense than those natural occurrences. It reminds me that even if we live our lives responsibly and safely, in the most random moment for no reason at all, it can all just end. Just like that. We really are that fragile and delicate, like glass that can shatter into a thousand pieces with the slightest wrong move.

This news made me want to call you the moment I heard it. But I didn’t dare as I’m sure you were sleeping, and I don’t think you keep your phone on at night anyway. What it really made me want to do was drive over to you and hold you. I didn’t dare do that, as I think you’d find that a bit much at this particular moment. But it’s moments like these, along with what I went through when my father was dying a few years ago, that remind me how short life is, and how important it is to tell the people you love how much you love them and to show them as well.

That said, the reality of our lives is that this has to get balanced against other kinds of principles like not rushing into things too quickly, and exploring all of the things we feel the need to explore. That is the real reason I didn’t drive over to your house last night and take you in my arms and tell you how much I love you. But I’m going to tell you in this letter how I feel. I’ve explored lots of things and lots of people. Is there more I could explore? Of course. The answer to that question could never be no, there are too many possibilities, there is always more that can be explored. But MY answer to that question is I’ve seen enough to know that I want to try to make a relationship with you work before I explore any further, because to be fair, THAT’S something we haven’t truly explored. I guess I also feel like I could spend the rest of my life searching, exploring, finding new things, and still come up with no real answers. Or I could explore us and everything we could be. And given that you feel like “home” to me, and this is a feeling I haven’t quite felt with anyone before, I can’t think of a better thing to “explore” than you; than us.

Tragedies like what happened in Colorado last night drive that point home for me so deeply. I feel like any day could be your last day, you just never know. That makes me feel like every day that I don’t see your face, kiss you, and tell you that I love you is a day I could possibly leave this earth without a chance to do so. It makes me feel like every moment we delay truly exploring “us” is another possibility we could lose the chance to do so. I don’t mean to over-dramatize this. Of course there are things other than you in my life, and things other than me in your life, and there should be. But when these kinds of human tragedies occur, it’s just a reminder of how precious life is, how short our time can be here, and how important it is to tell the people you love how you feel. That’s where I’m at, that’s what this whole thing makes me feel. I know I can’t rush you to the point I’m at; you have to come to it on your own. I believe in my heart you will, and that you and I will read this some day holding each other.

With love,

A.

The sweetest music to my ears…

Dearest S,

Last night, you called me and we had a great conversation. It was so great hearing your voice. I’ve been a musician my entire life, and honestly your voice sounds like the sweetest music to my ears. We talked for almost two hours, about so many different things.

We laughed about your recent new twitter account, and how much you hate social media in general. Very interestingly, you told me you are considering moving closer to where I live because of the new job, and because you are ready for a change in your living environment. The fact that you currently live 55 miles away from me was one of the factors that made things difficult earlier on. The idea of you being close by is beyond exciting.

I told you about some really great hiking around here and you were shocked to learn I like to hike. I guess I gave you the impression I was a total city boy, and anti-outdoors. Not true. You said that we should do a hike soon, maybe next week. I can’t wait. There’s a beautiful hike not far from here I would love to show you.

We also discussed the duet we’re going to sing, and how you wish you were a professional singer. I told you I’d do my best to make this duet as much fun for us as possible, and as easy for you as possible. I know we’ll really enjoy it. I joked that if we perform it at my show, the management might want me to hire you full time. You laughed and said maybe they could hire you to just sit there with me and kiss me all night. I liked hearing you say that.

In general, you noted that you’re not sure you’ve completely found what it is you want to do yet, even though you got this recent new job. I told you it’s OK if you’re not sure yet, and it’s better to be not sure now, than think you are and look back ten years later with regret. Honestly, if we could make this work I would be happy to support both of us until you do figure out your next move. Nothing would make me happier than supporting you as you follow your dreams and desires. I’m living mine, you deserve to also.

Incidentally, I did tell you that if you need a place to stay, you could stay with me. You mentioned it was something you’d consider, though you imagined we’d end up wanting to sleep in the same bed together. Um…yeah. 🙂 But seriously, we know you can always go back home to your parents’ house, they offered you that safety net when your former company downsized you out a few weeks ago. I told you that it’s good to know you have that safety net, but that means you can actually take some chances now as you begin with this new company.  Who knows, maybe you’ll find a place around here, I’m just excited you might live closer to me. I had mentioned to you a month ago that I was considering moving closer to you, because we live a little bit far from each other.

Then our conversation turned to how you’re not sure if you want kids, but that probably if you do, you’d want to adopt an African orphan rather than conceive one yourself. Your skin is as white as snow, but you are progressive, courageous and forward thinking enough to want to transcend race and do that. I just think that’s so beautiful, and it is indicative of your creative “out of the box” mind, which is one of the strongest things that attracts me to you, I think. I mentioned in an earlier part of this blog how sweet, adorable and thoughtful I think that is; the idea of being a mother to someone already on the earth who desperately needs a mother. It makes me adore you even more. So in last night’s conversation, I told you how I feel about it and you seemed pleasantly surprised. You actually said to me, “Really? You mean you wouldn’t mind adopting an African orphan who needed parents? That would be OK with you”?

Yes, my love. Really. If we can give this relationship a real try together and if I’m a lucky enough man that we can make it work, I would be so happy to adopt a child with you when you think we’re ready to. I know you’d make the most awesome mommy to that child, and nothing would make me happier than to break social, cultural, and racial barriers with you like that, while letting our love shine on another soul that needs love. I didn’t quite say that to you yet. But I loved the questions you were asking me, and the fact that you were asking them.

And clearly, the tone of this conversation we just had is rather different than that of the conversation from last week. It’s hard to know what to make of that. Maybe I’d better not make too much of it at all. It is, in fact, consistent with your statement that you do have feelings for me but that you’re not yet sure what you want. I’m under no illusion that this conversation, however good it felt, means that the issues are resolved. At this moment, you may be fluctuating between conflicting feelings and have some level of confusion that takes you to different places. I am trying my best to simply be a good listener, to listen to you with my heart, and let you find your own way to me, which of course I hope you do. But I don’t want to rush it or push it, because I want this for real. In the meantime, your voice really is the sweetest music to my ears.

I love you so much, S.

A.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker

Dearest S,

Well, we’re supposed to talk this week about practicing our duet we’re going to sing together. I’m looking forward to it. Both rehearsing and talking.

For a while now you’ve been mentioning wanting to introduce the drummer I work with, M, to your friend T, who is both an esthetician and a “matchmaker”. You said you thought she would find him a nice woman. Today you emailed her contact info so I could forward it to M. My dark sense of humor almost prompted me to ask you if I should go see her myself to see if there is anything she can do to get you and me together again to finally try this for real. 🙂 We’ll see, maybe I’ll work that into conversation at some point. Or not. The last thing I want you to think is that I’m pressuring you. But if I’m to be honest, there is a slight “sting” to this, which perhaps you haven’t thought of. You trying to set up my friend M with someone feels like the kind of thing a girlfriend would do. I’m sure M will take it that way as well. I don’t know. Maybe I’m being silly. I’d just hate for us to get caught in that terrible “in between” thing, where people sometimes act like a couple but are not. I’ve been there and it’s awful. And we deserve better. Nonetheless, I forwarded the info you sent on to M.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and the thing is this: I miss you, I think about you a lot, and I do want more than anything for us to have a real chance together. Sure, there’s a lot to lose, but that’s because there’s a lot to gain. There are never any guarantees about anything, but two people who feel like home to each other deserve a shot, deserve an honest try. At the same time, there is nothing I can really do. I have told you everything I feel, I have held nothing back. Maybe I’ve even said too much. But I’ve been completely honest. Now all I can do is live my life and hope that you figure this out before life, in one way or another, makes this opportunity unavailable to us. I wish there was some way to be sure it is this open-ended, always available thing, but that’s not realistic is it? No matter how romantic and devoted I want to be, I can’t stop life. Or death. Or anything in between those things.

Something made you kiss me last week. There is still chemistry. There are still feelings. You told me there are times that you want me to hold you. There’s just other “noise” at the moment, yes? Things you feel you need to explore. Things you need to figure out about yourself, and what you’re looking for. So you’re shutting those feelings out right now. Also, I think because of all the little specifics of how this evolved from the beginning, part of you feels like you need to protect yourself from me to some degree. Maybe the exploring stuff is something you need to do for a bit. But as far as the protecting, I hope you figure out how to let that guard down. There is such a thing as exploring but not really “looking” closely, or being open to what is in front of you. That can happen if you are too guarded. At some point, you will need to stop protecting yourself from whatever has happened in the past, and try something real again. It’s terrifying, yes, but it’s the only way to really be loved and love in return. And it’s so worth the risk. For my part, there is nothing I wouldn’t risk for a chance to love you with all of my heart and soul, all the way.

You have told me that you compare everyone to me, and that you haven’t met anyone as open and honest about their feelings, and as willing to communicate as I am. And you’ve also said I feel like “home”. Everyone has to find their own way, and as you said, you want it to be you who “chooses” this, who says “let’s do this”.

I sure hope you do. It’s right in front of you. Right under that pretty nose.

Love,

A.

Texts and music

Dearest S,

Yesterday evening you texted me to tell me you began following me on Twitter. You seem so out of place in social media, and I mean that in the most complimentary way possible. The fact that you do not choose to take part in Facebook, and that you are, as the song goes, an “old soul”, makes you seem like this fish out of water on Twitter. I can’t decide if it’s cute or weird. Maybe a little of both. You also mentioned that you enjoyed the rain Thursday. I texted back that I had been worried about you, because I knew you were driving in the rain all afternoon and evening for work, and it concerned me. You answered, “Thanks for worrying, you are wonderful”. I know what I want those words to mean. But I think I’d better not read too much into them, and just let them be, along with this entire situation.

It was a lovely conversation (albeit completely via text). We talked about me teaching you to do that duet with me, and even discussed preparing a song for the holidays. Holidays. I wonder what they will bring this year. That is such a weird time of year for emotions. I’m going to put out into the universe what is on my mind at this very moment. My wish is that I hope you explore the things you need to explore and find that it is me you wish to be with, that it is me you love. That we will come together for the holidays and fall in love together. That you will choose to try this with me.

Ironically, the first song you want to work on with me is your favorite old song “Let’s Do It, Let’s Fall In Love” by Cole Porter. Perfect choice for an “old soul”, accounting for the fact that it was written 57 years before you were born. What will it be like teaching you this song? What will it be like practicing it with you, coming up with an arrangement we can do as a duet? Will the magic in the words and music come off the page and become our “reality”? Will you really sit at the piano with me as we sing this song into each other’s eyes and not feel what I am feeling? Will it be some kind of torture for me if you don’t? Ugh. Clearly, I’m interested in finding out the answers to these questions. Clearly I want this to play out and see what happens. Do you? I couldn’t know what you’re thinking. Are you looking for that feeling you lost? Are you also hoping it will come back in the magic of a Cole Porter song? Could that possibly be part of your motivation to put us together in this situation? Or am I projecting all of this and hoping that’s what you’re thinking? After all, although this duet was an idea we both came up with together, and that you have spoken of many times, in this past conversation I was the one that reminded you about it. So is it me that wants this situation to happen? Or is it both of us? More questions. No answers.

Obviously I’m intrigued, I’m interested, I’m “taken in” even. Part of me wants to assert to myself at least the acknowledgement that this could be a path to more disappointment and heartbreak. That maybe it is nothing more than two “friends” doing something together. That I’m just hoping for more. And then another part of me wants to believe in it. Believe in you. Believe in us. And what we can be. Because even you’ve acknowledged that at times you want me to hold you, and that you have more than just “friend” feelings for me, despite the fact that you aren’t yet sure what you want completely.  Clearly the part of me that wants to believe is winning, as I have every intention of working on this song with you. This would seem to suggest I’m an optimist. I find this amusing since I think of myself as a pessimist sometimes, but my actions betray that. Maybe the more correct word is “fool”. I hope not. The bottom line is, it will probably be a lot of fun regardless of the outcome, so I’m not doing it to get a result. Or am I? I’m not sure I’m being entirely honest there. Suffice it to say that I’m aware nothing may come of it other than the duet itself, and some fun times teaching and rehearsing. And I still want to do it. But of course I’m hoping you’ll sit with me at the piano and in the fun, in the mood, in the romance of the whole thing, you’ll become as swept away by it all as I will be. So there you have it. I’m a big boy. I can make decisions. I’m choosing this. Here I go.

With love,

A.

Your toothbrush staring at mine

Dearest S,

This morning, I was sure you were in my bed. I felt the warmth of your body, your soft hair, my arms around you as we spooned and slept. Then my phone rang and reality set in. As I got up to brush my teeth, I noticed your toothbrush sort of facing mine, almost as if they were looking at each other. That’s sort of funny, since you never lived here. You only put it there last week actually, when we went to see the Woody Allen movie, and I gave it to you because you wanted to freshen up before we left. Call me crazy but I don’t want to put it away. I like it there. It feels like it is in its right place. So I’m leaving it. And in the immortal words of Forrest Gump, “that’s all I have to say about that”.

Today is an important day for you, as I know you have your first meeting with a client for your new job. I can’t tell you how proud I am of you that you got this new job so quickly after your previous company downsized. Less than a week unemployed in this economy is really impressive by any standard! I’m certain part of it is that it is easy for anyone to see what an exceptional, bright, amazing person you are. I will text you later this evening to ask you how it went. Until then, I’ll be sending positive thoughts.

Right now, I’m going to start working on the arrangement of our duet we’re going to sing. There is pure joy for me in preparing this for us. Part of it is because I know how much you’ve wanted to do this. I do this for a living, but this will be your first try at this since your high school musical theater days. If it makes you happy, it’s going to make me happy too. I can’t wait. I know it’s going to be fun. And I know you’re going to be great. You have a natural gift for captivating people. Audiences love that.

With love,

A.

Mornings

Dearest S,

I dreamed last night that it was morning and I woke up to find you here in my arms, your angelic face still sleeping. I said nothing, you said nothing, you just lay here sleeping as I looked at your beautiful face, just as we did that morning last January. I remember how you told me that day how comfortable my bed was, and how it immediately occurred to me that it seemed infinitely more comfortable with you in it. That feeling had nothing to do with the bed, it was us. It was the energy exchanged in “us”. Unfortunately, my dream was extremely brief, and before long the real morning callously greeted me. But I experienced that fleeting, brief moment upon awakening, when you’re not sure what was dream and what really happened, and then within seconds the real truth comes bitterly into focus, and you wish there was some kind of rewind button.

Convincing myself I could go back to sleep, I made every effort to make myself more comfortable, propping a pillow between my legs, covering my eyes with a dark shirt to shield from the insistent morning light, to no avail. That elusive comfort we felt that morning when you lay here in my arms seems intangible now, out of reach. My bed is not the same. Amidst that discomfort, I also couldn’t stop my mind from replaying our entire conversation yesterday. Did I say the wrong things? How did we even get into it when I thought we said we weren’t going to talk about relationships or anything serious for a while? Oh yeah, you sort of forced the conversation with your email, when you specifically spelled out again that you want nothing more than friendship, and that there is someone you are interested in dating.

Why then, did you kiss my neck the other night when I was hugging you goodbye? You were the aggressor in that initial exchange, although I was all too happy to receive it and respond to it. I asked you this and your answer was that sometimes you do want me to hold you. Sometimes you do have those feelings. That there is something more than friendship between us. But you are still figuring out what you want, what you are looking for, what you need. You aren’t as “sure” as I say that I am. Now I find myself questioning whether I should have been as honest as I was with you about my feelings. Was it “too much”? Should I have tried to act like it really is all no big deal? Should I have paid more attention to not putting too much “pressure on you”? Should I have still communicated my feelings, but tried to sound more cavalier about it and said something like, “Oh I think we should really try being in this together some time”, while trying to sound like I didn’t care all that much how or when? I wonder. Instead I didn’t hide anything from you- as usual, I was completely open and honest with you. I meant it when I said that I DON’T want this if you don’t want it, I don’t want it if you’re not ready, if you’re not sure. To me, that sort of seems like not too much “pressure”. To your credit, you said you were glad I was telling you everything, and I believe that.

It’s sort of an impossible scenario in some ways, isn’t it? You’re trying to be there for me as a friend, as I confide in you that I am completely in love with you. You tell me that your girlfriend J thinks you should try this with me (being in a relationship). It even conflicts with your own order of things- you don’t believe in being friends with exes, particularly when you are with someone else. And yet, there are feelings here that are more than friendship on both our parts, you’ve said you don’t want to let go of me, and you’ve said that your friend J and I both feel like “home” to you. I really can’t think of a better or more poignant reason to try to make something work with someone. But as previously stated, that notion needs to occur to YOU, not me.

Clearly I’m not getting back to sleep this morning. Too many thoughts that I can’t quiet. It’s just as well. My bed is not the same.

With love,

A.

A turn of events

Oh, S…

Well, today brings many revelations. Namely, your specifying that despite feelings between us that do exist beyond friendship, you only want a friendship right now. You want to meet people, date people, etc.

What can I do other than lovingly let you go? We spoke on the phone, I said everything I wanted to say. I clarified that what I’m sure about is that I want to try this with you. You clarified that you want to be the one who says, “let’s do this”. Given what you’ve said, I need you to be the one who says that now too, it can’t be me. I’ve already said it.

I just hope you don’t make the mistake of interpreting my “availability” as either unattractive or unexciting. I will probably have this conversation with you if you call me (I will not be calling you for now as clearly the ball is in your court), but if you do call and the conversation arises, I will probably make the analogy to you about the dog or bear that chases a human being who runs away, and how the human being’s running itself triggers a subconscious reaction in the animal that makes the animal believe you are prey, even if it wasn’t thinking that to begin with.

We humans have a similar subconscious instinctual reflex like this. It’s gotten me into all kinds of trouble in my life. We get the sense that people that are “hard to get” or “unavailable” are worth pursuing, while those who are “available” or “present” in front of us seem somehow less exciting or less worth pursuing. It is definitely at the subconscious level, but it certainly exists. Unfortunately I can’t relate this experience to you as anything other than my own experience. I can’t make you see it. You are younger than I am, but I can only hope that since in a lot of cases women emotionally mature a little quicker than men do, you will realize this earlier in your life than I did.

Every mistake I’ve made has had something to do with this elusive factor. I’ve been on both ends of it. I’ve been the pursuer and the pursued. And in every case, when the pursuer catches up to his or her “prey”, they are inevitably left with a feeling something is “missing”. Because they were reacting to this very natural, instinctual, subconscious “reflex”. When the “game” of the chase is over, what’s left is who the person is, and suddenly their unavailability or how difficult they may be to “reach” becomes a bad thing. You may be caught up in some of this too. You’ll recall that the gentleman you had that brief “relationship” with a few months back turned out to be a man who you could not talk to, who would not share and be open with you, who would not discuss things you wanted to discuss, and therefore was not “available” to you. Prior to that you had said you weren’t ready for a relationship, and yet you began a “relationship” with someone who was not “available”. I wonder if you can see in that what part of your unconscious “chase reflex” kicked in there, and what it lead you to. This is hard stuff, and it takes some time to figure out.

The way I’ve learned to deal with this and not repeat mistakes is to accept that this natural subconscious reflex exists, and to recognize it when it occurs. Furthermore, I’ve figured out that this natural “hunger” for the “chase game” can be quenched even with someone who is available! Another mistake many people make is taking people for granted. Even those people that are “available” to us may not be so forever, and we can never take them for granted. So we actually still need to “chase” or “pursue” the available people as well; let them know we want them, let them know we do not take them for granted; keep them engaged and “available” to us. That’s actually enough “game” and “chase” to quench the hunger of that natural instinctual reflex we have to “chase”, all we need to do is focus the priorities.

There are other issues of course, one being that I’ve experienced a few more relationships than you have. And then there’s the “fear” you mentioned about starting something and then possibly having to “end it”, amidst the other chaos of starting your new job, etc. But the truth is, people seldom have the same exact experience, and as for the fear, I mentioned and you acknowledged that that fear could actually keep you from ever making a decision about anything. Life is complicated, there’s always something major going on, so it’s never an “ideal time” to make an important decision. But ironically, that very fear can keep us from making any decision, and we can wake up years later and look back and realize we’ve missed major opportunities. This line is from a dumb movie, but it’s so true: EVERY opportunity has an expiration date.

I hope that we do not lose the opportunity to really try “us” for real. We’ve dabbled in it, we’ve played with it, we’ve touched on it, we’ve done it for short periods of time, but we have not yet “really tried this”. And yet, even now you acknowledge that feelings beyond friendship exist here. I think we deserve the opportunity. But obviously, I need you to think so too. You said yourself at dinner the other night that you don’t want to “let me go”, so you don’t know how you would do that if you are with someone else. There’s a SUPER-simple solution to that dilemma. Be with me! Then you’d never have to let it go. But given what you’ve said today, it sounds like it is me that needs to let go for now.

And so, I let you go. And hope in my heart you will think about this carefully, recognize that my being “available” is a “good thing”, and not let this opportunity pass us by. How long I wait or don’t wait is beside the point. LIFE won’t wait. Neither of us knows what the future holds, or even how long either of us has to be here. We really are all here one minute and gone the next. I’ve adored you since I met you, but I’ve also slowly, thoughtfully, and carefully (not impulsively) fallen completely and truly in love with you and the human being you are. You feel like “home”, so “home” for me could be wherever you are. You said yourself you feel like I am “home” too. I hope that helps you figure this out before too long. Because that last concept about home- that’s the whole ballgame! That’s everything. That’s all there is. Everything can be built on that. And nothing meaningful and lasting can be built without it. You can search the world for all kinds of people, you can get to know many of them, but in the end, that feeling of “home” is what it is all about. I don’t presume to say there is only one person in the world you can find that with, but at the same time, it doesn’t grow on trees either. It’s pretty hard to find, and pretty precious when you do find it. Once you do, it certainly deserves a chance. It certainly deserves a “real try”. It does take some years and experience to figure this out, but that feeling of “home” is what it’s all about.  My greatest hope right now is that you figure that out.

Love and light,

A.

From A to S, with love.

Dearest S,

I am starting this blog because in many ways, as your song goes, we are still “on the first page” of this perfect storm. Our story has barely begun. And yet, I see in it so much promise, potential, and beauty. When I look into your amazing, complex, green eyes, that seem to change color with the mood, I get this enormous comfort that overcomes me inside and out. It’s peaceful, calming and soothing, and yet at the same time, it is exciting, stimulating, and exhilarating. That seems like an impossible paradox, I know, but it exists in your beautiful green eyes when they reflect my gaze. It speaks of love, happiness, hope, passion, comfort, safety, fun, and, as I’ve told you more than a few times, home.

I don’t know how often I’ll make entries to this journal. I’m beginning this today, Tuesday, July 10^th, 2012. My reasons for this journal are several. I suppose if I were a woman with a “BFF” girlfriend, I’d share it with her. But as a man, let’s just say I don’t have that kind of “BFF” in my circle of friends at the moment. And so far, in my experience, guys don’t generally share this kind of stuff. Another reason I’m writing this is that I hope one day, when we are further into our story, we can look back on this and read it together, and steal a laugh or a tear or both. Maybe looking back on this one day will provide some comfort to you at some time of doubt, or possibly just provide a fun read.

I’ve never done anything like this before, but I’ve never seen so much hope in another human being before either. In you, I see everything I have ever wanted, everything I could ever want. I know it’s real because this isn’t something that just happened instantly, it has been carefully considered and thought out. I knew when I first met you how special and different you are from many people, but it did take months of getting to really know you and who you really are to understand and realize how truly in love with you I am. And when this realization occurred, everything that wasn’t clear before that moment became clear. And that’s how I’ve come to where I am now, and that’s how and why I’ve reorganized my priorities. It is what made me genuinely want to let go of the past, and look towards a present and future with you as the centerpiece of my life. I haven’t done everything completely right from the beginning, but I’ve owned my mistakes, and I’ve shared them with you. The one constant has been, I have only fallen more and more in love with you, and become more and more sure it is you that I want in my life.

I love everything about you. I love that you are an artist at heart, I love the expressions you make, the sound of your voice, the little giggle you let out when you leave me voicemails. I love how passionate you are about your beliefs, political and otherwise. I love your genuine heart of gold, and my heart recognizes it like an old friend. I love the intelligent, confident woman you are. I love that you don’t have a Facebook page, I love that you like regular mail, I love that you want to adopt a little African or Asian orphan when you’re a little older and ready to be a mommy. I love how when I watch you sleep, you look like an angel. I’m sure by the time you read this, I will have told you all of these things, perhaps many times. But this evening, I just want to put out into the universe how much I love you and everything about you, and how for the first time, really in my life, I see everything I’ve ever wanted to see in everything we can be.

Love, admiration, and respect,

A