Sleeping out in the rain

Dearest S,

I was just looking through some old emails and texts that you sent me and I came across one that stopped me in my tracks. One sentence that you wrote in particular just made me completely freeze and stare at it. I think I’ve been staring at my screen for almost an hour now just captivated by it, just thinking about it. And it is prompting me to write this post.

The email was from January. In it, you were talking about how you googled my name and came across some old press releases of the singer I used to work with and me, and the show we did. It was, at the time, one of our biggest obstacles, because she was someone with whom I was once involved, albeit briefly, but because we had that history, it was a source of friction between you and me, even though I only considered her a friend and a colleague.

But the sentence you wrote in that email that captivated me was, “life is not a fairy tale, and nobody sleeps out in the rain for anybody anymore”. It was a reference to a lyric in the classic R&B song “When A Man Loves A Woman”, by Percy Sledge. I played and sang that song for you a month earlier when your parents came to my show with you and you danced with your father to it. I can still see that moment so clearly in my mind.

“Life is not a fairy tale and nobody sleeps out in the rain for anybody anymore”. Here’s why those words both haunt me and move me so much: For some time now, I’ve been fighting for this; for us. I’ve told you my feelings, I’m documenting my feelings in this blog, and I’m giving you the space to explore what you need to explore, but I am still here telling you how much I love you, how much I want us to have a chance to try this, to make this work. It occurs to me, I’m doing exactly that. I’m sleeping out in the rain for you. Your “door”, is sort of closed right now. And as I’ve noted, I am not stopping my life or anything. But S, I don’t see this feeling changing; it’s real. It didn’t just come from nowhere, and it didn’t develop hastily or impulsively. It developed over a period of time of getting to really know you and listening to you with my heart. I guess my heart is telling me it wants to keep listening to you above anyone else, and when I check in with my mind, I get the same response. Perhaps that is why although your door is currently closed, I am just outside of it, sleeping in the rain.

The day after you sent that email, you sent another one apologizing for how intense the email was…but S, I should have been the one apologizing to you! It was selfish of me to expect you to be OK with me working with an ex-girlfriend the way I was, and I don’t know why I didn’t just see that from the start. The truth is after the Christmas show, I put a stop to those shows, and you know that I have not worked with her since then. But ALL THAT SHOULD HAVE MATTERED to me was that it made you uncomfortable. There really shouldn’t have been anything more to it. I had a conversation around that time with a very close friend from my childhood. He asked me, “what do you get out of that partnership”? I honestly couldn’t answer him. It became clear that it was a very unbalanced, one-sided relationship, which she was “holding onto” for some reason. When I brought this up to her in January, her reaction was selfish, and all about her- not one concern for what I was saying about it holding ME back, and getting in my way. That was even further proof that the working relationship was unhealthy and unbalanced, and that it was time to just move on and away from it. It seems so clear and obvious now, and I can’t explain why it wasn’t sooner.

You once told me that the day you discovered she was an ex and still such a part of my life because we were performing that show together, that you were devastated, you were hurt, and you cried for days. I am so sorry I put you through that, baby. Even at that time, you had said you were not sure you were ready to be in a full on relationship, so although we spent time together, it was not really “official”. But that is no excuse for my having made you feel that way, and you made it more than clear this issue was holding you back from opening yourself to me. When I look back at that, I feel so foolish about the whole thing. Hindsight is 20/20, isn’t it? I really did not realize what I should have realized.

All I can say is, although I might be a slow learner, I do listen, I do admit my mistakes and I do learn from them. I listened completely to everything you had to say about it, I processed it, I considered it, and within a short period of time, I made changes and eliminated her from my life completely, both professionally and personally. There was no grand drama; I wouldn’t say we’re enemies, but after that Christmas show, I cancelled the shows and ended the professional relationship, and shortly thereafter, the personal relationship ceased to exist as well. And it really was no loss- she was the one benefiting from the shows, not me. You were 100% right and I was 100% wrong, and I’m glad you stood your ground about it. The way things were, there was not a proper space in my life for a significant other, and I did not see that at the time. This past year has taught me so many important things, I feel like I’ve learned so much.

Although this obstacle has been eliminated, I fully realize there are other obstacles, hurdles, and issues that stand between this moment and a time when you and I could possibly try to make a relationship work together. But I took a closer look at the lyrics to that old Percy Sledge song, “When A Man Loves A Woman”. Those words aren’t lost in the past, S. They make perfect sense to me. Some people might think it’s old thinking, but I don’t. I think it’s the way things should be. And so do you. That’s why you wrote that sentence in that email. You do believe in that and you want it as much as I do.

This man loves you, S. And I hope there will be a place and a time for us to at least really try this together properly. One thing I’ve certainly learned is, I’ll never let anyone or anything come between us again. And until then, I’ll be sleeping out in the rain.

With love,

A.

Wishing on our stars

Dearest S,

Today I realized it was around this time last year that I first met you, when you first came up to my piano and said hello to me. That was the first time I ever laid eyes on you, and I remember it as vividly as I remember what the sky looks like. You had this amazing smile, this incredible sparkle in your eyes. And you requested that I play a song, but then you just stood there, looking at me. And there were these few brief moments of silence where we just looked into each others’ eyes. Do you remember that? It was magical. It was like time actually slowed down for that moment. And it must have, because I have never been the same since that moment.

How can I just give up on this dream of you and me? The simple (and difficult) answer is I can’t. While there’s nothing I can do at this moment, and I have to give you the space to explore other things, meet other people, etc., I cannot find it in me to resign myself to this being the end for us. We barely had a beginning. I’ve learned a lot in the past year, and maybe you have too. I’ve definitely grown, and changed a lot of my priorities. Obstacles that existed previously are gone, and I’ve completely let go of my past, and I honestly have no desire to ever look back at it. Those obstacles, and perhaps the same thing that is holding you back now, kept us from ever really “doing this” fully and completely. To this day, you acknowledge feelings for me, and you have even said you sometimes think about a future with me. Yet it is amidst confusion about what you really want, and a desire to meet other people and explore further. So all I can do is let you find your way, and hope that the stars align for us and that you find your way HOME, to me.

What I can’t seem to do is burn this “house” down and walk away from it. I guess I will need to find a way to open the windows and doors, and open myself, and my mind, to other possibilities. But I’m also going to climb up on the roof from time to time and call out to you to remind you that I want you to come home; that I want us to at least try and make this work, in a real, committed effort. Of course I can’t guarantee it will work, nor can I predict the future. But I can say I believe we will both be sorry some day if we don’t really try. Obviously, this can’t happen right now, while you have this curiosity about other people. But after you’ve experienced some more things, I truly hope you come to a point that you can stop running from and avoiding the feelings you have for me, and that you can face the fear you’ve mentioned of getting too close to someone and then losing them. We deserve that chance, and I can’t give up on it. I guess that’s the best kind of “letting go” I can muster at the moment.

Tonight I went to see a show in Hollywood with a friend of mine, who is going through a difficult break up with his long time girlfriend. We were curious about the show because there has been a lot of hype around it, and since it is in a well known hotel in the middle of the city, I was interested in how the show is put together. While the show itself was somewhat lackluster in our opinion, what was more striking was the reminder of how vapid so many people are in this town, particularly the “typical Hollywood crowd”. It was, as I expected it would be, the usual “see and be seen” kind of Hollywood crowd. Various ages, all in dresses one size too tight, wearing far too much make up and perfume, and more preoccupied with their own reflections in mirrors and windows than the actual show they were supposedly there to see. Actually, I didn’t get the sense anyone was really listening to the music at all. The only thing that temporarily focused their attention was when Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez came in just before the show started with a small entourage and were briskly escorted to a sofa in the front, surrounded by security.

I couldn’t help but look at everyone there, particularly the women, and think to myself several daunting thoughts. The first thought was, how can I possibly move on with my life in this town? All of these women pale in comparison to you on every level, or at least inasmuch as my propensity to be attracted to any of them. The second thought was you don’t belong here. Don’t get me wrong, I want you here. I hope you move up here, so we can be closer to each other. There’s more here for you artistically and creatively than there is down where you live, so in that sense, I think it would be better for you than where you are right now. But I just couldn’t escape the notion that this is no place for you long term. I’m beginning to feel like it isn’t for me either. This is a sad town. It’s a town of broken hopes and dreams, and people as fake as the figures in the famous wax museum nearby. It’s a town of self involved, self important, self-centered people chasing fame, popularity and fortune. All that said, truth be told, this town has been very good to me. I’ve made more money here in the entertainment business than anywhere else I’ve ever lived. And as I’ve told you, there are some great places and things about this town, you just have to really seek them out. But in the long term, this is no permanent place for an old soul like you or me. I’m not fixed on a particular place to be in, and as I’ve said many times, any place you are could be home for me.

Sometimes I think you wonder about me in terms of the entertainment business and the whole Hollywood dream thing I’m writing about here. I think you wonder to yourself whether you’d ultimately be happy in a relationship with a man who works with, around, and amongst celebrities. You did ask me two weeks ago about whether I exchanged numbers and information with F’s sister, as she is related to a major celebrity, and someone of some prominence who might be helpful to me, and my career. There was a slight tone of jealous curiosity in your voice, and yet I know you, and I know that when we hung up the phone, you also thought to yourself, “would I be comfortable in a relationship with someone who is meeting people like that all the time”?

If only you could see into my heart. If only you knew that every moment I was speaking with that woman, all I could think to myself was, “She’s not S. She’s so different from S.”  I can’t prove this to you with some sort of evidence before the fact, but if I am a lucky enough man that my wish comes true, that the stars align for us, and you decide to try this with me some day, mark my words, no human being will be capable of distracting me from you, and I will never let anyone get between us. I’ve learned too much this past year, about obstacles I allowed to exist that I shouldn’t have, and about who you really are, behind the beautiful smile, face and eyes that greeted me that day a year ago at my piano and changed everything. Somewhere along that way, I fell in love. Completely.

Everything changed. I can’t go back to how it was before that. It’s impossible.

With love,

A.