Letting go…

Dearest S,

My sweet love, it seems our story has once again taken a turn. As much as I wish I could write our story, just as I write these words, the reality is I have no such control. The words I write here can only reflect and document my feelings and thoughts.

In my recent letter, Action vs. Words, I indicated that I wanted to talk more with you about my feelings, and how I believe you are doing everything you can do avoid your own feelings for me, which you continue to acknowledge that you do have. It was my opinion that you are sort of “fighting the universe”, because you have indicated you are so frightened of losing people close to you, and although you are so scared to completely open yourself and become vulnerable, it seemed to me the universe has begun to remove many of the obstacles that were in our way before (people from my past, and the distance factor since you may be moving closer to where I live). So I just felt like I was watching you alternate between expressing this affection for me, both in your words and your actions, and then fighting it, burying it, and running away from it.

But now, I am starting to think it is actually me that is fighting the universe. Again, we were supposed to meet up this week, and I indicated I’d like to share some things with you. You said you felt very pressured by it all, that you feel everything has been said that needs to be said, that you do have feelings for me, but that you still feel you need to meet and date other people. When we spoke on the phone, you agreed to meet up this week and talk, but an hour after our conversation, you once again cancelled.

It is becoming clear that as much as I want to fight for this, for you, for us, there really is nothing I can do at this moment other than let go, and hope that you find your way to me. That is so frightening to me for some reason, but it is the only available path now, so I must walk through it. It is time for me to just let go, and hope that the stars align for us somehow, some day.

It cannot be ignored that I have experienced a few more relationships than you have, and the mere fact that you have the desire to meet, date, and get to know some other people is proof that now is just the wrong time for us. It would do me (and us) no good to try and make a real go of this together when you feel that way.

I would like to believe that this connection we have, this energy that pulsates when we are together, this feeling that even you say you still feel, is strong enough and real enough to defy a particular “shape” or definition. That it will survive the test of time and other experiences. If I’m right, hopefully you will come to a point where you want to try this with me for real- something we have not really explored. We’ve dabbled in it, we’ve scratched the surface, we’ve touched on it, we’ve played with it, but we have not yet fully jumped in and committed to it together, and tried to make a relationship work together. Obviously, you do need to do some more searching and exploring, as that is what your heart is telling you. As someone who loves you with all of my heart, my only response to that can be to let go and give you the space to do that.

And I guess I must also remain open to other possibilities myself. Ugh, I hated writing that last sentence! You need only read my very first letter in this blog, From A To S, with love, to understand why. But as much as the romantic “old soul” in me wants to carry this torch for you, that’s just not realistic, is it? And it isn’t what you’d want for me either. I must live my life. Besides, if I’m right about what I think this is, this thing you and I feel, the “stars” will align for us when the time is right……OK, as a realist, I’m not sure I completely believe that last sentence either. 🙂

Maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle. Maybe the answer is letting go, but still trying to remain connected and in each others’ lives to some degree, and at least available to each other to talk, to share, to support, etc. Maybe that’s why you do still want me in your life. Maybe that’s why I still want you in mine. Maybe the letting go can make us even stronger. Maybe we are doing this thing right after all…Here’s hoping.

Here’s to letting go.

I love you, S.

A.