Action vs. Words

Dearest S,

When I started writing this blog, which I intended to be love letters to you that you will someday in the future read, sort of like in the movie “The Notebook”, I had hoped that in some way I could just journal my feelings, and express some of what I can’t tell you right now. I feel like if I share it all with you now, it will make you feel pressured or rushed, particularly in light of the fact that you are still finding your way with many things. In some sense, I guess I also hope that when you look back on this someday (IF I ever even tell you it’s here) that this will serve as some kind of proof to you that my feelings are genuine, heartfelt, as deep as I say they are, and that I am thinking about you a lot. Of course, this “plan” of mine begs a few questions. When will it be the right time to tell you about this blog? Will you be surprised or even upset that I didn’t make it private? (I don’t really know why I didn’t, I guess I just felt like “giving it to the universe” so to speak. It is at least anonymous, but there are people following it, reading it, commenting on it, etc.) And for that matter, if I wait a good while to tell you this blog even exists, where do I draw the line between what I write here and what I actually tell you in the moment? It doesn’t make any sense for me to be talking to you in real life, and then reserve something I want to say to you for this blog. So another thing this blog cannot become is a replacement for interacting with you in the real world, and sharing my feelings with you. Which brings me to today.

This morning I texted you to wish you luck at work and to tell you that I think it’s a good thing you are thinking of going to see your family next week, since you’ve been feeling homesick. You texted back that you feel really overwhelmed by all the changes in your life right now, including financial and work difficulties, and where to live. I told you to think of this like the uphill climb of a hike- it’s difficult, but it is taking you somewhere with an awesome view, and on a path that will lead you home. You said you liked that analogy. Minutes later you emailed me some prospective apartments you are looking at up here and I sent you some feedback. You called me a few moments later and we spoke for a while about apartments and how you’re feeling…and then…

…you spilled some beans. And you said to me that you don’t really know if you’re going to visit your family next week, and that you are sorry you keep “flaking” on me, but it is partially because you are worried about getting together and what will happen, and how we will be with each other since there is all of this unspoken and underlying stuff there. It was almost as if you were confessing to me that you feel bad about cancelling our plans over and over again, and that you feel bad that you’ve been making excuses. We got onto the topic of how you don’t feel like you could move in with me because we are not in a relationship, and I agreed that it is a bad idea. I told you that I realize that would further complicate things and maybe even make it harder for things to ever work out in the future, which of course, I don’t want. The only reason I thought of it is that if you run out of all options and end up with no choice but to move all the way back north where you parents live, and then you’re hundreds of miles away, that’s not going to help things between us either! But certainly it is the least desirable solution to things. Then you mentioned how you still want to meet people, and how you are worried about my heart, in light of that fact. But shortly after, you talked about how you know I’m thinking about us being together, and that YOU think about that too.

I took the opportunity to say to you that I feel like you are “avoiding us”, and “running away” from your feelings. We didn’t have time to talk at length as I had to get ready for work and you were on the road, but more and more I am thinking we need to talk about this. I don’t want to push you or rush you, but there are so many unspoken feelings and things now, and the messages are very mixed. You have feelings, you express them sometimes, and sometimes you shut down. You’ve expressed being terrified of “losing someone close to you”, indicating that you don’t feel like you can have that happen in your life anymore. And I see you reacting in fear. I’ve got to talk to you in the “real world” about this. And I’m going to. I told you at the end of today’s conversation, “please stop avoiding and running away from the concept of us”. And I told you that if you don’t go up to visit your family next week, that I really want to see you.

I think it’s time, regardless of these letters I’m writing to you here, to tell you everything I’m feeling, and for us to actually deal with all of the unspoken, underlying feelings that are there. I know you said you don’t think you can handle losing anyone close to you anymore, but you can’t live your life in fear of that. You’re avoiding, you’re covering your eyes, covering your ears, and operating in this completely protective mode- almost like a computer started up in “safe mode”. I have to communicate this to you in the real world. If I let this go unsaid, by the time I’m ready to have you read all of these letters, it may be too late. Every now and then you let your guard down, and you are affectionate, you talk about things that could mean a future, we interact intimately, you even acknowledge feelings for me, but ultimately, you go into “avoidance” mode. And I think part of it is you think you are protecting yourself. But what you do not see is that you’re closing yourself off to so many possible good things in the process.

More than anything, I want these letters I’m writing to you to remain positive, and never be “complaints”. I think that is why it is important for me to continue to functionally communicate with you in the “real world”, even as I continue this blog. So I’m going to be very deliberate about doing that in the next week. Yesterday, after we spoke for over an hour about what you’re going through and how worried you are about things, you thanked me for always listening to you so well, and you said to me that you want to return the favor, and asked me if there was something you could listen to me about. I didn’t think quickly enough at the time to properly answer. But I’ve thought about it now, and I’ve decided that there is in fact something you can do to return the favor. I will tell you in the next few days that I need you to listen to me for a bit, and I need you to do it in person. I’m going to talk to you about what I’m writing in this letter, and how I believe you are running away and avoiding this, and that it isn’t working, because every time you come up for air, it’s going to still be here, not having been dealt with. It’s not going away, and it’s not going to get better until we face it together.

We will. I have to see to it that we do. As easy going and open minded and understanding as I am trying to be, as much as I want to be the guy that gives you the space and time you need to figure things out on your own, I have to more assertively insist that you face this together with me, and at least make you think about all of this. I wouldn’t be doing any of this if I didn’t think you and “we” are worth all of the effort. I must strike another kind of balance here, between giving you the space you need, and not letting you cover your eyes and ears to avoid, shut out, and run away from feelings that you yourself have, despite how frightened you are of “losing people”.

With love, admiration, and respect,

A.

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