Let me start this letter with what I’m feeling. I miss you. We spoke on the phone today, we had a lovely conversation for a good while, and I listened while you expressed your stress about changing jobs, moving, and the overall uncertainty of your future which is a bit overwhelming for you right now. But you said you felt a lot better having talked about it, so I’m glad I was able to listen. It does seem you will probably be moving up near me very soon, and I’m excited about that. 60 miles isn’t a huge distance but it has been an obstacle for us. We made tentative plans to scope out some potential living locations for you next Tuesday, but this evening you texted indicating that you may not be able to meet next week after all, as you’ve decided you want to visit your sister and her family up north, because you feel homesick. I’m disappointed I won’t see you next week, but happy that you will be able to spend some time with your family. Like me, you are pretty close with your family, so I understand you wanting to be near them and feeling like you miss them. I think it will actually do you some good to see your family and maybe even to get completely out of town for a little bit. Hopefully when you are back, we’ll be able to get together soon. And once you live close by, I imagine it will be simpler to meet up. I’m really looking forward to that.
Last night, I did something nice for myself. I went out to an open mic here in town that I haven’t been to in about two years. It’s a wonderful little venue, with talent that ranges from beginners to very seasoned performers. I texted you a picture from there, and you texted back that you wished you were there, and that it makes you want to move up here, since there’s nothing like that down where you live. It’s a really nice atmosphere of old souls, like you. So I can’t wait to take you there. It is also the perfect place for us to rehearse the duet we’re going to sing once you’re ready for that.
I was looking through some emails you sent me from a few months ago, and I came across one in which you had said that you can’t handle losing people close to you anymore. This is something you’ve said a few times, and it has gotten me to thinking about fear. Certainly I understand that feeling. But I think this can be problematic when it gets to the point that you don’t allow anyone to get too close for fear of the pain that may occur if you lose them. Nothing really worth while can be gained without the risk that it can be lost. You need one extreme to have the other. “Zen” enthusiasts can talk all they want about “detachment”, but I don’t believe that’s how our hearts work. And I do feel like you are, in many ways, running away from me, from us, from what we can be, because you are afraid of what will happen if it doesn’t work. I guess I can appreciate that at this confusing and difficult time of transition, during which you are changing jobs, re-evaluating your career goals, and figuring out your destiny, that you feel like those things are overwhelming enough by themselves without adding the drama of a relationship. Maybe for the time being there’s some wisdom in that until things settle a bit, but in the long run, I do believe you will have to let go of that fear, and “face us”. Because I see you deliberately covering your eyes and ears to this, and yet in other moments revealing that there are feelings there. I don’t know how to definitively prove to you that I will not hurt you, and that I truly love you from the deepest part of me I can access. I’ve explained that this is something I’ve come to carefully, cautiously and thoughtfully, not impulsively. At some point, you’re going to need to face this thing with me, instead of running from it. I guess it’s something you will have to come to yourself, but I think soon it is going to be time for me to talk about this with you a little bit, and at least share with you where I’m at, and discuss this “fear of losing” thing with you. It’s not like you’re reading along in this crazy blog of mine as it goes, and I have to remind myself of that as I put these thoughts down. I’m going to show you this much further down the line. But I must not let the words I put down here replace actions. Perhaps this will begin to work itself out a bit more when we live closer together than we do now.
My God, I love you so very much, S. I miss your beautiful face, your smile, and the feeling I get when you are near me. You are home, my darling. And I am homesick for you. I want to be wherever you are. In time, wherever that takes me is fine, as long as you are there.