The pendulum today

Dearest S,

Today the pendulum has swung in the other direction again. Two blog posts previous to this, in The sweetest music to my ears…. I wrote about what a beautiful conversation we had, how affectionate you seemed on the phone, how you joked about when we sing the duet that we’re supposed to work on together, maybe you could get hired to just sit next to me and kiss me while I perform. You seemed so excited to hear that I thought your idea about adopting a child later in life was a beautiful thing, and even said to me, “so you mean you wouldn’t mind doing that?”, almost as if we were beginning to plan a life together. And you sounded like you were really looking forward to taking a hike with me this coming week.

We spoke briefly yesterday and you still seemed in good spirits, but today I texted you about our hiking plans tomorrow and you told me you can’t make it because you are not feeling like yourself right now. I asked if you are sick and you said you are depressed and tired, and that “nothing feels right today”. Obviously, I can’t really know if you will ever read these letters I am writing to you, and of course as of this moment, you don’t even know these letters exist. Some day, (I think) I will tell you about them, and I hope, with everything I have in me that can hope, that it is because we have decided to try to be in this relationship together. (As an aside, I also hope that when we are together again, you don’t read these letters, freak out and run away! But there’s my odd sense of humor again).

In any case, I want to be very careful not to make any of these letters a sorrowful, sad list of my fears, worries, frustrations or complaints. Of course I’m disappointed right now, because I was looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. Of course I’m frustrated. Of course I want to reach out to you, especially knowing that you are feeling down and depressed. But unfortunately, I’m not in a position to do that right now, because you have said you are still figuring out what you want, and that all you want from me right now is a friendship. In contrast, you’ve also acknowledged that you have feelings for me beyond friendship, you have said sometimes you do want me to hold you, and in the phone conversation earlier this week you were quite affectionate. This bundle of contradictions means I’m caught in a pretty delicate balancing act right now. So despite everything I mentioned in my previous post about the Colorado shooting tragedy, and how that all makes me want to just be near you and tell you everything I feel, I need to balance that with giving you the space you need to find your way (I hope to me). My instincts tell me I should reach out anyway, so I’m sort of splitting the difference, and just letting you know that I am here, and to let me know if there’s anything I can do. I texted you this, and also mentioned that I would be happy to drive down to you some time this week so we can work on the duet together. I also texted, “no pressure, see how you feel tomorrow”.

I can’t really think of what else to do. Of course, part of me wants to just drive there right now, stand on the ground floor in front of your second floor apartment and start serenading you. 🙂 I wouldn’t care what the neighbors think. But you seem to need space. You seem to need time. And you’re supposed to go out with your girlfriends tonight to the movies, which I hope you are still going to do. I’m actually having dinner with some friends tonight as well.

I also don’t want these letters to become about mundane, pedestrian topics, so I’d rather skip a day or two than write just for the sake of writing every day. I’m certain meaningful and relevant emotions will occur to me quite often,  and there will be plenty to write. But rather than focus on the little individual ups and downs and momentary changes that are going to be a natural part of this thing we are each going through in our own way, I’d rather focus on the really important things.

One thing remains constant. There are many directions I can take. Many people and things I can explore, many choices I can seek out. I choose you. Without hesitation, without question, without doubt, I choose you. But that’s only half of the equation. You have to choose me too. You have to choose to see this as something that we should at least explore. If you truly believe in exploring all options, then “we” and “us” is something that should not be left unexplored, and we have, thus far, left “us” unexplored, in that we haven’t really tried this “for real” yet. I firmly believe that we should, but I need you to choose it as an option to explore, as part of all of the things you are exploring. I really hope you do.

With love,

A.

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3 thoughts on “The pendulum today

    • I’m sorry to hear that. Sometimes there are situations in which it is better to stop talking when there is a lot of pain related to the person. But it must be hard. I don’t know what I’d do if S and I stopped talking. So far, it seems we both want to remain in each others’ lives. I just adore the sound of her voice.

      • I am so glad that you are able to keep things slow steady with your friend – to let everything work out and allow time to think. I haven’t heard the other ones voice in a year. Its difficult for me to believe he’s gone, and for the separation to feel real when he was a part of me for so long, it is even harder for me to even think his name, because it brings me back to those memories. It doesn’t seem real.

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