Matchmaker, Matchmaker

Dearest S,

Well, we’re supposed to talk this week about practicing our duet we’re going to sing together. I’m looking forward to it. Both rehearsing and talking.

For a while now you’ve been mentioning wanting to introduce the drummer I work with, M, to your friend T, who is both an esthetician and a “matchmaker”. You said you thought she would find him a nice woman. Today you emailed her contact info so I could forward it to M. My dark sense of humor almost prompted me to ask you if I should go see her myself to see if there is anything she can do to get you and me together again to finally try this for real. 🙂 We’ll see, maybe I’ll work that into conversation at some point. Or not. The last thing I want you to think is that I’m pressuring you. But if I’m to be honest, there is a slight “sting” to this, which perhaps you haven’t thought of. You trying to set up my friend M with someone feels like the kind of thing a girlfriend would do. I’m sure M will take it that way as well. I don’t know. Maybe I’m being silly. I’d just hate for us to get caught in that terrible “in between” thing, where people sometimes act like a couple but are not. I’ve been there and it’s awful. And we deserve better. Nonetheless, I forwarded the info you sent on to M.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and the thing is this: I miss you, I think about you a lot, and I do want more than anything for us to have a real chance together. Sure, there’s a lot to lose, but that’s because there’s a lot to gain. There are never any guarantees about anything, but two people who feel like home to each other deserve a shot, deserve an honest try. At the same time, there is nothing I can really do. I have told you everything I feel, I have held nothing back. Maybe I’ve even said too much. But I’ve been completely honest. Now all I can do is live my life and hope that you figure this out before life, in one way or another, makes this opportunity unavailable to us. I wish there was some way to be sure it is this open-ended, always available thing, but that’s not realistic is it? No matter how romantic and devoted I want to be, I can’t stop life. Or death. Or anything in between those things.

Something made you kiss me last week. There is still chemistry. There are still feelings. You told me there are times that you want me to hold you. There’s just other “noise” at the moment, yes? Things you feel you need to explore. Things you need to figure out about yourself, and what you’re looking for. So you’re shutting those feelings out right now. Also, I think because of all the little specifics of how this evolved from the beginning, part of you feels like you need to protect yourself from me to some degree. Maybe the exploring stuff is something you need to do for a bit. But as far as the protecting, I hope you figure out how to let that guard down. There is such a thing as exploring but not really “looking” closely, or being open to what is in front of you. That can happen if you are too guarded. At some point, you will need to stop protecting yourself from whatever has happened in the past, and try something real again. It’s terrifying, yes, but it’s the only way to really be loved and love in return. And it’s so worth the risk. For my part, there is nothing I wouldn’t risk for a chance to love you with all of my heart and soul, all the way.

You have told me that you compare everyone to me, and that you haven’t met anyone as open and honest about their feelings, and as willing to communicate as I am. And you’ve also said I feel like “home”. Everyone has to find their own way, and as you said, you want it to be you who “chooses” this, who says “let’s do this”.

I sure hope you do. It’s right in front of you. Right under that pretty nose.

Love,

A.