I dreamed last night that it was morning and I woke up to find you here in my arms, your angelic face still sleeping. I said nothing, you said nothing, you just lay here sleeping as I looked at your beautiful face, just as we did that morning last January. I remember how you told me that day how comfortable my bed was, and how it immediately occurred to me that it seemed infinitely more comfortable with you in it. That feeling had nothing to do with the bed, it was us. It was the energy exchanged in “us”. Unfortunately, my dream was extremely brief, and before long the real morning callously greeted me. But I experienced that fleeting, brief moment upon awakening, when you’re not sure what was dream and what really happened, and then within seconds the real truth comes bitterly into focus, and you wish there was some kind of rewind button.
Convincing myself I could go back to sleep, I made every effort to make myself more comfortable, propping a pillow between my legs, covering my eyes with a dark shirt to shield from the insistent morning light, to no avail. That elusive comfort we felt that morning when you lay here in my arms seems intangible now, out of reach. My bed is not the same. Amidst that discomfort, I also couldn’t stop my mind from replaying our entire conversation yesterday. Did I say the wrong things? How did we even get into it when I thought we said we weren’t going to talk about relationships or anything serious for a while? Oh yeah, you sort of forced the conversation with your email, when you specifically spelled out again that you want nothing more than friendship, and that there is someone you are interested in dating.
Why then, did you kiss my neck the other night when I was hugging you goodbye? You were the aggressor in that initial exchange, although I was all too happy to receive it and respond to it. I asked you this and your answer was that sometimes you do want me to hold you. Sometimes you do have those feelings. That there is something more than friendship between us. But you are still figuring out what you want, what you are looking for, what you need. You aren’t as “sure” as I say that I am. Now I find myself questioning whether I should have been as honest as I was with you about my feelings. Was it “too much”? Should I have tried to act like it really is all no big deal? Should I have paid more attention to not putting too much “pressure on you”? Should I have still communicated my feelings, but tried to sound more cavalier about it and said something like, “Oh I think we should really try being in this together some time”, while trying to sound like I didn’t care all that much how or when? I wonder. Instead I didn’t hide anything from you- as usual, I was completely open and honest with you. I meant it when I said that I DON’T want this if you don’t want it, I don’t want it if you’re not ready, if you’re not sure. To me, that sort of seems like not too much “pressure”. To your credit, you said you were glad I was telling you everything, and I believe that.
It’s sort of an impossible scenario in some ways, isn’t it? You’re trying to be there for me as a friend, as I confide in you that I am completely in love with you. You tell me that your girlfriend J thinks you should try this with me (being in a relationship). It even conflicts with your own order of things- you don’t believe in being friends with exes, particularly when you are with someone else. And yet, there are feelings here that are more than friendship on both our parts, you’ve said you don’t want to let go of me, and you’ve said that your friend J and I both feel like “home” to you. I really can’t think of a better or more poignant reason to try to make something work with someone. But as previously stated, that notion needs to occur to YOU, not me.
Clearly I’m not getting back to sleep this morning. Too many thoughts that I can’t quiet. It’s just as well. My bed is not the same.