Well, today brings many revelations. Namely, your specifying that despite feelings between us that do exist beyond friendship, you only want a friendship right now. You want to meet people, date people, etc.
What can I do other than lovingly let you go? We spoke on the phone, I said everything I wanted to say. I clarified that what I’m sure about is that I want to try this with you. You clarified that you want to be the one who says, “let’s do this”. Given what you’ve said, I need you to be the one who says that now too, it can’t be me. I’ve already said it.
I just hope you don’t make the mistake of interpreting my “availability” as either unattractive or unexciting. I will probably have this conversation with you if you call me (I will not be calling you for now as clearly the ball is in your court), but if you do call and the conversation arises, I will probably make the analogy to you about the dog or bear that chases a human being who runs away, and how the human being’s running itself triggers a subconscious reaction in the animal that makes the animal believe you are prey, even if it wasn’t thinking that to begin with.
We humans have a similar subconscious instinctual reflex like this. It’s gotten me into all kinds of trouble in my life. We get the sense that people that are “hard to get” or “unavailable” are worth pursuing, while those who are “available” or “present” in front of us seem somehow less exciting or less worth pursuing. It is definitely at the subconscious level, but it certainly exists. Unfortunately I can’t relate this experience to you as anything other than my own experience. I can’t make you see it. You are younger than I am, but I can only hope that since in a lot of cases women emotionally mature a little quicker than men do, you will realize this earlier in your life than I did.
Every mistake I’ve made has had something to do with this elusive factor. I’ve been on both ends of it. I’ve been the pursuer and the pursued. And in every case, when the pursuer catches up to his or her “prey”, they are inevitably left with a feeling something is “missing”. Because they were reacting to this very natural, instinctual, subconscious “reflex”. When the “game” of the chase is over, what’s left is who the person is, and suddenly their unavailability or how difficult they may be to “reach” becomes a bad thing. You may be caught up in some of this too. You’ll recall that the gentleman you had that brief “relationship” with a few months back turned out to be a man who you could not talk to, who would not share and be open with you, who would not discuss things you wanted to discuss, and therefore was not “available” to you. Prior to that you had said you weren’t ready for a relationship, and yet you began a “relationship” with someone who was not “available”. I wonder if you can see in that what part of your unconscious “chase reflex” kicked in there, and what it lead you to. This is hard stuff, and it takes some time to figure out.
The way I’ve learned to deal with this and not repeat mistakes is to accept that this natural subconscious reflex exists, and to recognize it when it occurs. Furthermore, I’ve figured out that this natural “hunger” for the “chase game” can be quenched even with someone who is available! Another mistake many people make is taking people for granted. Even those people that are “available” to us may not be so forever, and we can never take them for granted. So we actually still need to “chase” or “pursue” the available people as well; let them know we want them, let them know we do not take them for granted; keep them engaged and “available” to us. That’s actually enough “game” and “chase” to quench the hunger of that natural instinctual reflex we have to “chase”, all we need to do is focus the priorities.
There are other issues of course, one being that I’ve experienced a few more relationships than you have. And then there’s the “fear” you mentioned about starting something and then possibly having to “end it”, amidst the other chaos of starting your new job, etc. But the truth is, people seldom have the same exact experience, and as for the fear, I mentioned and you acknowledged that that fear could actually keep you from ever making a decision about anything. Life is complicated, there’s always something major going on, so it’s never an “ideal time” to make an important decision. But ironically, that very fear can keep us from making any decision, and we can wake up years later and look back and realize we’ve missed major opportunities. This line is from a dumb movie, but it’s so true: EVERY opportunity has an expiration date.
I hope that we do not lose the opportunity to really try “us” for real. We’ve dabbled in it, we’ve played with it, we’ve touched on it, we’ve done it for short periods of time, but we have not yet “really tried this”. And yet, even now you acknowledge that feelings beyond friendship exist here. I think we deserve the opportunity. But obviously, I need you to think so too. You said yourself at dinner the other night that you don’t want to “let me go”, so you don’t know how you would do that if you are with someone else. There’s a SUPER-simple solution to that dilemma. Be with me! Then you’d never have to let it go. But given what you’ve said today, it sounds like it is me that needs to let go for now.
And so, I let you go. And hope in my heart you will think about this carefully, recognize that my being “available” is a “good thing”, and not let this opportunity pass us by. How long I wait or don’t wait is beside the point. LIFE won’t wait. Neither of us knows what the future holds, or even how long either of us has to be here. We really are all here one minute and gone the next. I’ve adored you since I met you, but I’ve also slowly, thoughtfully, and carefully (not impulsively) fallen completely and truly in love with you and the human being you are. You feel like “home”, so “home” for me could be wherever you are. You said yourself you feel like I am “home” too. I hope that helps you figure this out before too long. Because that last concept about home- that’s the whole ballgame! That’s everything. That’s all there is. Everything can be built on that. And nothing meaningful and lasting can be built without it. You can search the world for all kinds of people, you can get to know many of them, but in the end, that feeling of “home” is what it is all about. I don’t presume to say there is only one person in the world you can find that with, but at the same time, it doesn’t grow on trees either. It’s pretty hard to find, and pretty precious when you do find it. Once you do, it certainly deserves a chance. It certainly deserves a “real try”. It does take some years and experience to figure this out, but that feeling of “home” is what it’s all about. My greatest hope right now is that you figure that out.
Love and light,